April 25, 2016
Manager of Mints or closest analogue
Mellow Mushroom Headquarters
5375 Drake Drive
Atlanta, GA 30336
Dear sir or madam regardless of current bathroom,
I recently had the mixed privilege and chore of dining at your establishment near the campus of the illustrious Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College in beautiful [sic] south Baton Rouge. I ordered a simple pepperoni pizza, which was acceptable if not slightly pleasurable. The service was attractive if under-sexualized (Brian should try wearing short-shorts, it would suit his thighs quite well, please forward).
...but I digress.
The purpose of my letter is a concern over the quality of your after-dinner mints. I have written many quality complaints over time, but in place of my usual detailed review-oriented letter, I will simply give you a list of new verbiage you may use to describe these "mints" you offer to your customers after their meal.
To wit:
Chalk bombs
Astronaut ass cream
After you've given up on life mints
Old dog shit (a nod to the color as well as the flavor, I'm sure customers will appreciate the humor)
Puke-ums
Piss-on-it-I-don't-like-things-that-taste-good-anyways
FUCK
Thank your for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Armond Fontenot