Yep, the fast-paced life of a vegetable smuggler ain’t for everybody. It takes a special kind of man (or lady-folk, I ain’t one of them sexists, mind ya) to do what we do.
Normal people don’t want to know what it takes to get their special broccolis or cauliflowers into the hands of their corner dealers. They just want to buy their head of cabbage, sneak it home lookin’ over their shoulder for the police so they don’t get a ticket, and make them a salad to relax after a hard day of work.
But let me tell ya, it ain’t no picnic, this thing we do.
You ever seen the feet of a man that walked twenty miles in the desert carrying a box of arugula under the cover of night to avoid the VEA? ‘Course you haven’t, you don’t want to live in my world.
You have any idea what it’s like to sit and sweat bullets in the middle seat on a flight from Haiti with two pure Peruvian artichokes shoved up your keister, and when the stewardess comes by and asks if you’re all right you can only manage a subtle nod and hope she doesn’t tell the sky marshal about you? How about when you finally manage to sneak it through customs even though you’re walking like you spent the last three nights in the bathroom stall of a gay bar and get to the meeting at the airport hotel only to realize you stuck the artichokes in the wrong way? Huh, little man? Didn’t think so.
Well, do me a favor, partner. Next time you’re sitting in your easy chair snacking on some gen-yoo-ine Maui baby carrots, or sharing some Brussel sprouts brownies with some of your college friends, just remember the things men (or ladies) like me did so you could have your low-calorie high-nutrient good time.