The alien eggs you bought off the old Chinese man downtown haven't hatched yet, and you're starting to wonder if you've done something wrong.
You've stripped naked and covered yourself in baby oil to make the eggs comfortable with your smell, as their home planet is covered in petroleum. You've attached the ceremonial birthing clips to your nipples; the howls of pain you emit as the gentle electric current flows through the clamps soothe the fledgling ears of the reptilian babies inside. You've performed all steps of the ancient and sacred dance of life, even if they're all more than a little lewd.
Finally, and most importantly, you've done it all with open the curtains and blinds to give the eggs maximum indoor exposure to sunli- oh motherfucker.