773 Remoulade Avenue
Iota, Louisiana 70543
September 3, 2016
Tool in charge of Tools
Sears Holding Corporation
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, IL 60179
Dear Ratchet-ass,
I'd like to call to express my displeasure as well as my severe shock at your unacceptable placement of "voucher tools" into your 72-piece Craftsman multiple tool collection. In lieu of a proper flathead screwdriver, my toolbox came (in)complete with a cardboard cut-out painted with the likeness of a screwdriver apology letter, and a voucher for an actual tool when "resources become available."
Not since the Kenner Star Wars action figures have I felt such complete disappointment.
I understand the war against the various emergent artificial intelligences and their mass-produced killer robot death squads is going poorly, but if you cannot muster the raw materials to manufacture even the most rudimentary of tools, you should consider ceasing your play at a legitimate manufacturing and retail business and go fight terminators with the rest of the human race.
Sincerely,
Armond Fontenot