“Uh, yes, hello? EPA?” you ask timidly to the woman on the phone.
“Yes, this is the Environmental Protection Agency,” she affirms, her voice crackling slightly over an apparent bad connection.
“Yes, I got this number from a storm drain near my house,” you explain truthfully but unnecessarily, “and I need to make a report.”
“Okay, sir, a report of what?” inquires the agent.
“I need make a report-“ you pause to hold back a juvenile snicker “-of dumping.”
“Yes, sir, were is the unauthorized dumping occurring and who is the violating party?”
You lick your chops in anticipation of your crowning moment, take a deep breath, and say “It’s happening in my bathroom, ma’am. The violating party is my ass.”
The woman wastes no time screaming at you. “You little motherfucker! This shit isn’t funny. You think you’re the first dumb asshole to come up with this joke? Every god damned day people call me with the stupid shit. Fuck you and fuck your ass!”
“Okay,” you say, no longer trying to hold back your laughter. “When can I expect the report to be ready?”