773 Remoulade Avenue
Iota, Louisiana 70543
May 3, 2017
Archmage of Elemental Fire
USA Millenium, L.P.
2710 S. 11th Street
Beaumont, TX 77701
Hey there, Hot Stuff,
I am writing this letter to notify you of an apparent defect in your Smart & Handy brand Saftey [sic] Matches, recently advertised in my local newspaper as producing fire “50% Less Dangerous.” I believe this claim to be at best erroneous and at worst maliciously misleading. The residence did not go up in flames any more slowly or burn to the ground any less thoroughly than the last time, nor did the screams of the people inside the house this time seem to convey any less pain or suffering than when I used Diamond brand matches. While I sustained fewer personal injuries than my previous forays into recreational conflagration, I believe this to be a result of a better choice of accelerant and improved positioning relative to the blaze.
Please rectify your advertising or correct your product. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Armond Fontenot