Due to several recent incidents, none of which were not even remotely foreseen by park management, any reasonable person, or the collective human consciousness, we have been forced to implement the following policies regarding the on-site restroom facilities:
1) No Pets in the Restrooms. This includes dogs, cats, parakeets, turtles, tortoises, tarantulas, scorpions, sugar gliders, squirrels , flying squirrels, red squirrels, gray squirrels, fox squirrels, ground squirrels, grizzled giant squirrels, clean shaven giant squirrels, giant squirrels with a little bit of stubble, squirrel monkeys, monkey squirrels, and sea slugs. Multiple and varied occurrences have required us to be specific, so this list is extensive, but not exhaustive.
2) Only One Person at a Time Allowed in Restroom. Yes, we found out how you reached the A/C vents, and we found what you put in there. How could we not? The smell was anything but subtle. Never again.
3) No Toilet Paper. You had your chance; you ruined it. You know who you are and you know what you did. Apologize to everyone you meet, because you're the reason they have stinky hands.
4) No Wishing for More Wishes. Perry said we should put this in and it didn't seem like it would do any harm.
5) Always Wipe Front to Back. I mean really, people. Jesus. This is week one shit.